I recently moved from California to Washington state. I lost a great group of gaming friends, but I’ve managed to get a new game going in only a few months. The only problem is I don’t know these people very well. I don’t know what their hobbies are outside of gaming. I don’t know what TV shows they watch. I’m not entirely sure what interests or motivates them. A couple times I have thrown out a hook in the game that my old group would have quickly snatched up, only to see them step over it unnoticed like a homeless person sleeping on 1st Avenue.

As a response, I thought of a new technique I am calling “Dungeonmastery for Dickheads” because I am fond of taking an idea, slapping a provocative name on it and pretending I invented it. I guess that’s the gamemaster in me. I think this technique could be used in any game where you do not know what kind of story your players want to play. If you have “homework” averse players, you can definitely use this technique to hook your players into the game. Or you can just be a dick and entertain yourself without anyone being the wiser.

First, some background. After recently moving to the Seattle area, I met some cool people at the FLGS closest to my office which happens to be Gamma Ray Games. One of the guys turned out to actually work at the same company, in the same department and on the same floor as me. I call him “New Nick” since I had a Nick in my old group in San Diego. After a game of Descent, I met New Nick and his girlfriend, Augustina, for drinks at the bar across the street. Chops, the chap who ran the Descent game, joined us for an adult beverage as well. I got blitzed and told them my idea for a D&D campaign world based around the clash between a primitive and a more technologically advanced society in a “New world” -type of setting. We decided to start a new campaign a few weeks later.

Flash forward two weeks, my wife meets New Nick and Augustina at a company mixer and really likes them. My wife blabbers on about our kids. Augustina talks about her dog, a french bulldog named Whatserfuck (not the dog’s real name) and starts showing cell phone shots of the pooch. Augustina tells my wife that she “doesn’t want to go to Africa” and she is gonna show me who is boss. So she is talking shit about my game before it even starts and she has already hit on one of my wife’s pet peeves, pet owners who equate pet ownership with parenthood.

Now for the dickhead technique. Basically, take anything you know about your players life or personality, twist it and spit it back at them. I know New Nick and his woman are way into their dog. You love dogs? You will kill many dogs or be killed. When you are hurt, dogs will appear and feed on your weakness. I will make you hate dogs.

The characters start in a town in the New World called New Laeeth. Outside the city walls, the land is controlled by vicious, nomadic goblin tribes. The tribe known as the White Dog clan have domesticated and bred gigantic war dogs.

In the first battle with the goblins, the flavor text reads:

“The goblins start running back up the hill. A war horn blares and a horde of the goblin’s ferocious breed of war dogs rush through the tall grass.

The war dogs stand a full foot taller than most goblins. They have enormous heads on squat, husky bodies and terrible, glassy yellowed eyes. The goblins have decorated their dark fur with handprints and various symbols in white paint. Their legs are small in comparison to their enormous bodies, but they move with incredible speed.

Several goblins deftly jump onto their backs and rush back to the cover of the treeline. The riderless dogs swarm to the wagon to cover their master’s retreat.”

I tried to subtly describe the war dogs as contorted, hideous version of french bulldogs. I think I went a little too far because I overheard them whispering to one another during the next break, “Was he talking about our dog?”

The party barely escaped with their lives and arrived back in town. They were told to report their experience with the goblins to the town guard. After meeting with the captain of the guard, the adventurers learned a new tidbit about the White Dog clan. The captain had heard these heathens were worshipers of dogs and they even reserved the Right of First Night on the night of marriage for the village’s alpha dog.

So not only must you fight and slay dogs, you are filthy, dog-fucking dog-worshipers. I’ve already learned so much from my first foray into using this technique, but I’ll save that for another post. Find out something personal about your players. Twist it. Throw it back in a grostesque form and see if they latch onto it.

Dungeonmastery for Dickheads. It’s fun. Get with it, kids.